How romanti......OOPS!

We had houseguests coming on short notice and my house was in what I like to call 'semester mode'. Meaning, that there were dishes in the sink, and general clutter everywhere. I had asked Cory to help with Ethans monthly craft project in the small window of time he had between dropping off Rylee at pre school and going to work. All I needed him to do was to spray paint two #10 cans.
Imagine my surprise when I got home at 6pm that night and found some amazing looking cans, dishes done, AND the playroom/spare room cleaned up! As soon as he got home I went to corner him to give him a big smackaroo, and tell him thanks a million. But between children, the phone, and all sorts of other things, I didn't get to tell him at that moment. Flash forward about another hour and I saw him walk into the playroom, it reminded me that I still needed to sincerely thank him. I followed him in there and proceeded to tell him thank you. I mentioned that I was going to give him a big smackaroo earlier but we got interrupted(this is the romantic oops part).
So he grabs me and goes to tip me back as he lays a whopper of a kiss on me....unfortunately we both had socks on and....we he started slowly slipping about the same time I did! I fell the last 3 or 4 inches to the ground. and landed right on his toe with my butt OUCHIE!! we laid there and laughed once I had the ouchie under control. And trying to capture the romance back for a bit he was whispering in my ear(seriously picture this....we are giggling and laughing on the floor, half in and half out of the door. The kids are looking at us as though we are more nuts than usual) and the freaking phone rings! Romance can be hard to come buy in this house sometimes!

Building a wall

I don't understand why I slip into these dark moods of mine. Even when I take such care to not slide under...it still happens eventually. If you don't understand depression, then you will never have a clue as to what I feel when I'm like this.
Now, I'm quite well known for building walls within myself. The purpose of walls is two-fold. I don't really want anyone to get in, but even more than that I don't want anything to get out. Sounds strange, I'm sure. I'm such an outspoken person, if I feel something, well, you are going to know about it. At least thats how I usually am. But not when the darkness of the depression creeps in and consumes. I could happily sit and stare at nothing for hours on end, in a dark room, with blankets pulled over my head. Have you seen New Moon? The scene where Bella is sitting in the chair staring out the window with only a mental monologue going on as the months change and pass? THAT is what I feel like doing. One telling sign for me...I sat down and watched TV last night, alone, for hours, by myself...not good, not good at all. I pull away from those that I love, I feel hurt and angry, and its not a rational thing. There is no reason for me to feel like this. So if I retreat behind a wall, no one needs to know that I feel these things, and hopefully they will just leave me the hell alone.
Today, I got out and walked in the sunshine. I forced myself to interact with my youngest in a positive way. I spent hours on homework. I'm not giving up, I have to much to live for. Life is not going to pass me by. I will work through this until I have beaten it back for the time being. It does get easier though, everytime I recognize what is going on and I beat it back I can go longer without having it come back. "It" is a part of me lol. Not a part that I really like, however, I learn something about myself every single time I go through this. So I'm still growing and learning. The song below has been playing in my head all morning...and I'll have you know, its not true, a rock does feel pain...it just hides it deep inside and has that tough outer wall so it doesn't escape.

Tell me please

Sometimes I just need the words...not the actions.

I should be happy, and other ramblings

...and yet I'm not. Or at least I'm not as happy as I want to be. I have a good time for a few moments and then I just feel down in the dumps again. I really don't get it. Maybe it's because I'm stick struggling with this sickness. Perhaps it's because I have an incredible amount on my plate...responsibility is as responsibility does.
Whatever the reason I just want to curl up and avoid so many things. I'm working hard at working out :) so that should help. I'm on top of my classes...wellllll, errrrr...okay confession time: While studying for the HESI exam and the harder than it should have been compass math test, I fell behind in my online advanced computer class...now I'm over a month behind and I don't see myself catching up. So I either have to test out of the class or take an F, ugh.
Its gorgeous outside, and I made the most of it by taking Rylee to the park and we soaked up some sunshine and vitamin D. I also dropped off a special little something for Emily at school. She had such a rough day yesterday and by the time I picked her up at the grands house last night she was in tears. I mean literally sobbing, tears flooding her face and the front of my shirt, heart-wrenching, gut twisting sobs, that left her with a stuffy nose, a headache, and a blotchy face. No amount of consoling eased her pain. So my momtuition told me that she needed to know that she was loved, she needed something a little more than words. And since we spent so much one on one time last night, I thought that a little gift would lift her spirits. So I spent quiet a bit of time picking out a card(get this...the girl LOVES store bought cards), and a little something. I packed it all up pretty and dropped it at the office for her. I lifts my heart some to such a little thing for her. Well, it seems little, but it will mean so much. It won't make the difficulties go away, but it will let her know that I'm here, right beside her holding her hand. It will let her know that I love her with all my heart, that she is one of the most precious people in my life, that I see her beauty...that I believe in her.
I'm going to keep pushing to find my happiness wherever it may be hiding out. Somebody around here has a birthday tomorrow, and there is a cake to make tonight. The kids'll love that.

I feel like doing something CrAfTy...
for those of you who know me, well you know what a craft failure I am...
so perhaps everyone should stay well away until I finish whatever I am destined to fail miserably at lol!

I feel flushed and overwhelmed by life. I need a break! I find myself snapping at my children ALL. THE. TIME!!! Apparently, they have noticed as well...one of them commented to their teacher that I always seem mad at them, and there has been a lot of yelling at our house lately.

Oh geez, yup, I'm just that kinda mom lately.

I'm devestated....

And I still need a break...

Before I break someone or something.