These days my life(if you could even call it such) is absolutely iNsAnE! I only have a few weeks left of the semester(3 weeks and 2 days as of this post), so I realize the end is really in sight. I just cannot seem to drum up any positive emotions towards anything. I'm pulling amazing grades. In fact, as long as I keep myself where I'm at right now, I'll finish my first semester of nursing school with straight A's. But that just doesn't seem good enough. My saving grace is my small quizzes and homework assignments. They have helped boost my grade up to the A's that I have. I'm literally on the edge of the A range. My exam scores have started to slip and I know what I've got to do to bring them up....it just all seems so daunting and flat out exhausting. I can't even handle studying at home anymore...my cluttered house stares me down or screams at me until I give in and put the homework away and work on shoveling the said house out. Why do I have to be the kind of person who can only see all the laundry that needs to be done and not the kind who looks at the mountains and says "I'm so blessed to have all these clothes" ?? Why am I the kind of person who is so quick to say, "Look at everything you didn't do" instead of the kind that focuses on the positives of what you have accomplished?
I've decided that we really, truly, so very seriously, are nuts around here. Cory starts school on the 21st. So he will work full time(on an unrelenting schedule) AND he will be a full time online student. And this is in addition to all my schooling. About this I have decided that one of two things will come from this: #1-our children will resent us for the rest of our lives and will stray down less desired paths because they will feel neglected and think we don't love them. #2-this will be a lesson they will carry with them their whole lives, they will value education and be determined to go straight to college for a degree from high school. They will know that we did this to give them a solid financial base while pursuing our own joys and interests...I'm hoping for #2, but can see #1 become our reality and it terrifies me.
School is hard, our finances are a mess, not to mention that I'm my own personal mess. I have very little self confidence to draw from in the first place. Living in Woodruff requires lots of planning and extra time to get anywhere for the kids' activities(I put the kabosh on them adding any more activities, for my own sanity and the safety of all) so even just getting to and from class/clinical takes for. ev. ER! I just don't see how to ekk out a small bit of time for myself. I've let it all go. The walking,eating healthy, yoga, and oh, get this...my poor toenails have been naked for over 6 weeks! I'm not comfortable in my own skin right now. I've got to get back on track, but I don't see that happening for another 3 weeks and 2 days. But how can I survive the next 3 weeks and 2 days if I don't?
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